walk by faith — June 16th
My only hope is in Your love and faithfulness.
In the nimbostratus clouds of confusion,
my loose screw thoughts and emotions ran haywire.
I let them, I take full responsibility.
Tried thoughts and emotions out like they were shoes I just had to wear,
even though from the outside the pairs were just plain ugly.
But I lost trust in my senses and judgment
as I searched, grasped at what looked to be straws, possible explanations for my position.
Now it’s clear that most of the straws were a product of taking a type of hallucinogen.
The drug of choice was an insatiable hunger to make sense and bring order myself.
After all, my identity was wrapped up in being calm in all circumstances.
So I needed to get back to who I was…right?
There is no order or reason in the place and season of grief.
There’s just plain ugliness and feeling as if the world is coming to an end.
There’s accepting grief marks you for life but it doesn’t have to define you.
This is my truth.
Grateful for the blessings that came out of recent trials (e.g. identifying the stunts to my own character development, healing from past trauma, growing mentally and spiritually, and realizing desperation for God is my base level)
God is good.
I MEAN SOOOOOO GOOD.
He never changed through it all.
Through my faithlessness,
He was right there, comforting me ever so gently.
I was angry, reasonably so,
blaming everyone including God, without cause,
I couldn’t get over the pain, that at the time, had no traceable origin.
And yet He loved me in my going through the motions of being fully human.
GEESH! How did we get to be so blessed?
Praise God for being who we could never be.
Faithful and holy.
Although I can never be like my Heavenly Father,
I will seek to learn and be like His Son,
Thank you Jesus for being my covering for always.
Because of You, I’m adopted into an eternal family
and I don’t have to carry burdens my frame of dust is unable to hold.
Jesus is the student sitting beside me in the testing room.
I was focused on doing well on the test myself,
when Jesus whispered to me, “Come look at my sheet.”
So very stubborn to anything that went against my idea of right, I ignored Him and proceeded reading the same question for the twentieth time.
My own pride evident in wanting to get it myself.
When the it I wanted all along was peace, not a good grade or a contribution to the library of knowledge on the human condition/ experience but real relief for my soul.
Jesus was offering me my true hearts’ desire but my vision was too myopic and so I prolonged & exacerbated my suffering.
I consider it all joy now!
Because the point of this story is Jesus saves even if the prideful and hardheaded.
p.s. italicized words above are not my own but they are worth sharing
always in ❤️